Friday, 8 August 2008

Artists are Dickheads

I wake up at around 5-6 o' clock every morning, partly from an excitement of something unformed and looming on the horizon, partly from pure rage at any number of petty household problems - but most of all from the Godawful cacophony of a Balsall Heath morning. It starts with a pigeon or two alighting on my chimney, some two or three feet from my skylight. The COOO COOO comes down directly on my head like a bag of hammers, I get up, grab a balloon and shove my hands out of the window and give the said airbag a royal scrape with my fingers - the resulting rubbery screech usually sees them off. More than once I've seen a startled, almightily pompous expression on their birdfaces - almost as if they're saying (in their heads) 'How dare you!' It almost makes me laugh were my eyes not so heavy and my frayed temper fraying to the point of unwinding altogether.
Then, Christ preserve the ignorant for their follies - the cats start. WOOOOOOOOW! A grey fucker with tip ex in his eye where he was probably whapped for his amorous pursuits with his tiny barbed penis. This warrants it's own sound effect - usually a giant PISSS or GEERRRROUUT OF IT! I neglect to mention there was a female involved - when isn't there? There he was wooowwwing away at this tabby atop a fence. What a touching scene - two mangy fuckers making all sorts of noise, tails swishing - he, enraged at her manifest lack of interest, she pointedly looking down at him from her queendom. Gone were the echoes of your ancestors who purred in the laps of Pharoes, or had sphinxes built in their honour. Instead the pathetic reality of two loudmouth quadrupeds at 6 in the A.M. Je suis trop exhaute!
Then, whyever not? Let your bastard dogs out. I love dogs with all my heart. It's the owners I hate, because quite simply dogs can be easily trained to behave. But no, you biscuit heads refuse to take a few simple measures and as a result off your dogs go on a two hour barking spree, peppering the silence with a wonderful array of sleep shattering WOOOOS / WUUUUUS /WEH'S! Fucking nut!

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